The Nasty And Annoying Things NO ONE Tells You About True Love

As women, we are told very early on all about true love. Disney has drilled the idea into our brains our whole lives. We dream about it, we pray for it, we discuss it with our friends for hours, and yet the realities are less than 100% romance. Let's get real, when life gets tough we don't need Prince Charming we need a maid, a hefty savings account, an on-call nurse, and Samantha from Bewitched.

1. Your true love will clean up your puke after you've lost the flu battle. (hopefully)

2. You will undoubtedly fart in front of your true love.

3. Your true love will fart in front of you. (and probably relish in it.)

4. There will be moments when your sexy true love looks completely unsexy to you.

5. There will be choice moments when you consider the early demise of your one true love.

6. Your true love will leave his socks on the floor.

7. It's shocking, I know, but your true love's friends may hate you.

8. Sticky crumbs and worse will be left for you to clean up by your true love.

These little nasties can occur in any relationship, hey, we are human. We have bodily odors and faults. Just remember, you are not alone...your true love thinks you're nasty too!

Love, Kids, and Valentines

I remember the excitement Valentines Day always brought me when I was little. My mom always had boxes of chocolates for us and cards with wonderful things inside...a kitten bookmark, a pressed flower. Those tiny items dazzled my kid brain.

At school, we were lucky enough to have lavish parties. School parties were divine; cupcakes and suckers, lacy paper hearts, sharing your valentines, lots of laughing.

I always dressed in pink and red for Valentines Day, I still do. The big difference is that now I get to host the sweet little Valentine party.

These days I'm a bit more health conscious. This year we are having sliced banana with peanut butter garnish and raisins, popcorn, apple juice adorned with silly heart shaped crazy straws, and one sweet little organic sucker.

In the name of love, I decided that it might be cute to ask all those sweet little people just what Valentines Day means to them. Their answers aren't always what you might expect, but dang they're cute.

Malik age 3 - "Toys...I hide my eyes, I get candy. Ya, it's good."

Juliette age 6 - "It means that I love my family, and valentines means that my heart is telling me to love other people, and I love the way I know they love me when they look at me."

Anabel age 4 - "I don't know. Oooh, just like plates. Nothing on them. Just one lollyop. No cards, I already have cards, I don't need them."

Zachary age 5 - "It's when you put up stickers on your windows."

Chase age 4 - It's a party at school and handing out cards and bubbles because we love our friends."

Emily age 4 - "It means that we love mom and dad and we have to make them a card."

Sean age 5 - "Hugs, kisses, and candy."

Jayda age 5 - "A day for valentines goodies."

Tanner age 3 - "Love Mommy."

Jacob age 7 - "You give something to Mom."


I think they all did a marvelous job of summing up Valentines Day! I certainly hope yours is filled with love, hugs, and candy. :)

"Deals" I learned From My Grandma, Queen Irene

Queen Irene B. Lesh

My Grandmother was an amazing lady. She raised five children, she was a spy for the government during the depression, and she could rock a pantsuit like nobody's business. She also rarely used the word "thing,"  hence my title. My Queen B Grandma, instead, used the word "deal" for virtually everything. "Sarah, can you you hand me that "deal" over there?" or "What was that "deal" on the news about?"

She spoke her own language, and created a rather hysterical way to go about life while still maintaining her lady-like grace. Here are a few of the funny little "deals" she taught me. :)



1. Chocolate is a basic food group. Always hide Mars bars close at hand.

2. Lipstick is the only cosmetic a girl really needs. But she must own 700 tubes of the same color.
3. A lady doesn’t yell, a lady whistles. Never raise your voice, simply learn to whistle loudly. 

4. There is never a mess unless you see it. So stuff those closets and hide everything with a dust ruffle. 

5. French kisses are for sluts. If one must DO them, one must never be seen DOING them.
6. A good dinner should always be followed with pie! 

7. Wear a bra at all times, you will be able to brag that you have 30 year old boobs when you are 75. 

8. If you are going to say you are collector, you should own it. Fill every room with scary dolls and be proud. 

9. When a visitor comes to stay the night, stick them in the guest room full of scary dolls so they never return again. 

10. A refrigerator is never full until you can no longer shut the door. When this happens always have a spare refrigerator available, and pickles last for at least 40 years.









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Why I Love Gay Men, And Always Will

For some reason I’ve always been drawn to gay men. I’m not sure what it is. Maybe it’s because, I’m going to be stereotypical here, they generally have better taste in clothes and music than any of my girlfriends or perhaps, because they weren’t trying to get into my pants, they looked at me and not my boobs. Refreshing, any girl can attest to the uncomfortable high school years when we don’t really seem to have faces to boys, just body parts. 

My first mad crush was a pretty little blonde boy named Trevor. In reality Trevor was so charismatic that I believe that everyone fell instantly in love with him upon meeting him. Trevor was outgoing and spontaneous and terribly vulnerable. His vulnerability was what really won my heart. 

I have loved gay men even before I knew they were gay, maybe even before they were sure they were gay. Every crush I had in high-school with the exception of one guy, you guessed it, was gay and Trevor was no exception. We’d spend hours talking on the phone every night, talking about things I actually cared about - music, kittens, and John Hughes. He read Jackie Collins, I was in love!

The problem was, so was everyone else. Girls draped all over him everywhere we went, they stripped down naked and changed their clothes in front of him and asked him to clasp their bras. Trevor lived a straight boys wet dream I’m sure, but to him it was all normal. He’d sit goofy-sweet and ask if he could borrow their jean shorts or quickly hand them something else to put on.

Trevor was my first sweet love, we went to our first ever Madonna concert together, spent endless hours perfecting our Vogue-moves, and he even let me take nude pictures of him for my school photography class. We were a match made in heaven.

By the time he “came out” I pretty much already knew.  He said the words and my automatic reaction was a heart crushing, “It doesn’t matter to me.”

His response will stay with me forever. He just looked up at me with big moist eyes and said, “but it matters to me.” 

There are moments in life that are so utterly profound, they shape you and that moment with Trevor is one of them for me. In an instant I felt transported into his world. I can’t profess to know what things were really like for him, but I know they were rough. He was teased and harassed constantly through high school, now we’d say bullied. Then I think we all tolerated too much, we even expected it and sadly a lot of those “bullies” were adults and even teachers.

One night while he walked the block and a half from his job at the movie theater to his home he was shot thirty-two times with a BB gun. At midnight, in the dark all alone on a city street. How terrifying. Twenty-one years later he’s still picking the pellets out of his back. That’s a lot of scars, outside, but especially on the inside. 

He moved to Georgia towards the end of high school. To the bible belt, and sweltering summer heat. The next time I saw him he was a man, but he was still wearing some borrowed jean shorts and humming Madonna and it would be a good guess that he is currently humming some Madonna right now as you read this. 

Trevor is still one of my homies. He’s my partner in cleanliness, and occasionally my arch nemesis, but forever my friend.