The Ode To Life Funny Quote Contest!!!!

I have been blessed with a gaggle of amazingly funny women friends. Here is a list of my top 5 funny quotes from these awesome ladies. Please take a moment and vote for your favorite quote!

1.  "I was just over there working...and drinking...because, I'm a professional, like in Madmen."
2. "If you are going to cut school, can you at least get your homework done while you're cutting it?"
3. "I don't have road-rage, I have road-frustration."
4. "This lipstick makes me look fat!"
5. I'm sure she doesn't have an eating disorder....It's just called being poor."

You Are Not Alone

When I was five I was driving around with my dad in his horrible green Studebaker truck, when one of the tires came off and went rolling down the hill.

"Is that a fucking thing?" I asked him.

"Yes, Sarah, it sure is!"

There are lots of fucking things in life. I think we can all relay a memory or two or three of stubbing our toes in the dark of night or waking up the morning of "the big presentation you've been working on for months" with a fever of 104. 

Life isn't always rainbows and unicorns; it is mostly made up of flat tires, cold lattes, and forgetting that important something at the grocery store. 

I've been having a lot of these moments lately. A few weeks ago a glass of milk was lovingly spilled on my laptop, completely ruining it (whoever said you can't cry over spilt milk was an idiot), and then the automatic window on my car decided that it was an excellent time to completely stop working. 

And then...last night...this happened...

It began innocently enough: my child came in after school with a friend, setting his precious science homework on the table. This was no ordinary homework; this was weeks of leaf gathering and sorting and labeling. Hours spent pressing these little carefully itemized leaves into a special little binder. 

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed some coffee, leaving one of my sweet infant wards (I run a daycare) quietly playing with a squishy toy. In ten seconds flat that stealthy little baby had grabbed that damn binder!

I yelled the only thing that comes to mind in a moment like this "Oh fuck!" and ran for the binder, but it was too late. Science had been massacred!

What to do now? Send the binder anyway with a note saying, "Sorry, a baby ate my homework?"

My child was cool though.

"Mom, I'll take responsibility for leaving it where it could be attacked," he consoled me. 

I love that kid.

So when you're crying over that stubbed toe in the middle of the night, remember you are not alone. You share that ouchie appendage with the likes of Albert Einstein, Pocahontas, Marilyn Manson, and Oprah! 

I would love to hear about some of your less than stellar memories, please take a moment and share with me!

10 Ways You Know You're Older Than Miley

1. You saw Beetlejuice before Miley was born


2. You thought twerking was something having to do with Twitter


3. You’d rather twerk with Alan Thicke than Robin Thicke


4. You remember watching Madonna roll on the ground performing “Like A Virgin” and you now consider it to be totally classy compared to Miley’s twerking


5. You worry more about Miley passing Thrush to general public than you do about “the weird tongue thing”


6. Miley and you have both ridden a wrecking ball naked, only you divorced yours


7. There is a part of you that wishes you looked that good riding a wrecking ball


8. You’ve licked a few hammers in your day that you wished you could take back too


9. Through all the controversy you still love Miley


10. You actually think that Miley reminds you a little of that girl you once were and you can’t wait to see who she becomes

10 Signs You're A MOM

1. You’ve made sure that everyone else brushed there teeth before you headed out the door, but you realized a half a mile down the road that you forgot to brush yours.
2. Your car stereo now plays Kid Bop on a regular basis.

3. You threatened to remove all xboxes, play stations, and Nintendo DS’ from the house and give them all to charity at least five times last week. 

4. Your Calgon-Take-Me-Away-Bath was interrupted 700 times with “Mom, are you done yet.” 

5. Going Pee by yourself is a luxury comparable with the European vacation you’ve been dreaming of. 

6. Your purse contains an unlimited supply of bandaids, kleenex, and snacks. 

7. You are capable of simultaneously cooking dinner, changing a diaper, mopping the floor, and checking facebook. 

8. You’ve made sure that the kids have a wonderful home-cooked meal and you then eat a bowl of cereal for dinner when no one is looking. 

9. You are the only one in your house who knows where to find a cereal bowl and spoon, even though they’ve been in the same place for years. 

10. You look forward to the precious 10 minutes a day before bed when you get to pretend that your not a superhero.

"Deals" I learned From My Grandma, Queen Irene

Queen Irene B. Lesh

My Grandmother was an amazing lady. She raised five children, she was a spy for the government during the depression, and she could rock a pantsuit like nobody's business. She also rarely used the word "thing,"  hence my title. My Queen B Grandma, instead, used the word "deal" for virtually everything. "Sarah, can you you hand me that "deal" over there?" or "What was that "deal" on the news about?"

She spoke her own language, and created a rather hysterical way to go about life while still maintaining her lady-like grace. Here are a few of the funny little "deals" she taught me. :)



1. Chocolate is a basic food group. Always hide Mars bars close at hand.

2. Lipstick is the only cosmetic a girl really needs. But she must own 700 tubes of the same color.
3. A lady doesn’t yell, a lady whistles. Never raise your voice, simply learn to whistle loudly. 

4. There is never a mess unless you see it. So stuff those closets and hide everything with a dust ruffle. 

5. French kisses are for sluts. If one must DO them, one must never be seen DOING them.
6. A good dinner should always be followed with pie! 

7. Wear a bra at all times, you will be able to brag that you have 30 year old boobs when you are 75. 

8. If you are going to say you are collector, you should own it. Fill every room with scary dolls and be proud. 

9. When a visitor comes to stay the night, stick them in the guest room full of scary dolls so they never return again. 

10. A refrigerator is never full until you can no longer shut the door. When this happens always have a spare refrigerator available, and pickles last for at least 40 years.









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SEX And Mens Funny Looking Parts

I was never having sex! No way, no way, not ever! Sex was loud, and sweaty, and gross. I’d seen The Blue Lagoon!

I was certain that no one I knew had sex. My Grandmother certainly never had sex. She may have bourne eight children, but no hanky panky had been involved, and my parents would never even dream of it, ewwww.

At this age I didn’t even know what sex was. I watched a PBS documentary that showed a man and woman rolling around in the sheets as it described the ins and outs (no pun intended) of creating life. The sheets were blue and that was about all I took away from the documentary. So I guessed that when you had sex you just rolled around in sheets, but they had to be blue to make a baby. Seven year old logic is always spot on.

When I got to school the next day I, of course, told my extremely interested friends all about those yucky-blue-sheeted-sex-people. They all squealed in disgust between games of horses and princess fairies. All, except one little girl Kristin who, being the proud big sister of a new baby, was sure that she knew better than me about the birds and the bees.

“The man puts his stick in the lady and then they wiggle,” she told me. “And they have to do it in the shower to make a baby.”

What was she talking about? I mean I was the one who had seen the video! I had proof on my side.

“I think you should ask my mom,” I rolled my eyes at her. “My mom is older than your mom.”

This secret sex talk became our recess ritual for quite a few weeks of second grade. Everyone had their own ideas, but none of us seemed to agree on any of it. The only thing that we were unanimously convinced of was that sex was entirely nasty and that because of this fact we were all planning to adopt babies when we grew up.

The years rolled on and games of horses turned into hours spent on the telephone. I was lucky enough to have my own mauve phone in my room, how cool was I? The sex talk became more about “Johnny is so cute and when I’m a cheerleader in highschool we’re going to dance like Janey on Jeff did in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and I was even planning to wear rolled up sweat pants just like Janey (AKA Sarah Jessica Parker).

I still had no clue whatsoever about sex until I read Flowers In The Attic by VC Andrews. This book was shocking and eye-opening and perhaps my naive twelve year old self was just too young to read it, but read it I did.

Oh My God Kristin was RIGHT! I was flabbergasted. I was shocked. I was appalled and I actually decided that I needed to ask my mom.

“Mom, how do people have sex?”

She didn't seem surprised or grossed out by my question.

I then proceeded to tell her everything. I told her about adoption and sheets and showers and Kristin and babies and Flowers In The Attic. She looked thoughtfully at me, smiled and said, “Honey, men have funny looking parts, but eventually you will learn to like them.”

And, you know what she was right.