You Are Not Alone

When I was five I was driving around with my dad in his horrible green Studebaker truck, when one of the tires came off and went rolling down the hill.

"Is that a fucking thing?" I asked him.

"Yes, Sarah, it sure is!"

There are lots of fucking things in life. I think we can all relay a memory or two or three of stubbing our toes in the dark of night or waking up the morning of "the big presentation you've been working on for months" with a fever of 104. 

Life isn't always rainbows and unicorns; it is mostly made up of flat tires, cold lattes, and forgetting that important something at the grocery store. 

I've been having a lot of these moments lately. A few weeks ago a glass of milk was lovingly spilled on my laptop, completely ruining it (whoever said you can't cry over spilt milk was an idiot), and then the automatic window on my car decided that it was an excellent time to completely stop working. 

And then...last night...this happened...

It began innocently enough: my child came in after school with a friend, setting his precious science homework on the table. This was no ordinary homework; this was weeks of leaf gathering and sorting and labeling. Hours spent pressing these little carefully itemized leaves into a special little binder. 

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed some coffee, leaving one of my sweet infant wards (I run a daycare) quietly playing with a squishy toy. In ten seconds flat that stealthy little baby had grabbed that damn binder!

I yelled the only thing that comes to mind in a moment like this "Oh fuck!" and ran for the binder, but it was too late. Science had been massacred!

What to do now? Send the binder anyway with a note saying, "Sorry, a baby ate my homework?"

My child was cool though.

"Mom, I'll take responsibility for leaving it where it could be attacked," he consoled me. 

I love that kid.

So when you're crying over that stubbed toe in the middle of the night, remember you are not alone. You share that ouchie appendage with the likes of Albert Einstein, Pocahontas, Marilyn Manson, and Oprah! 

I would love to hear about some of your less than stellar memories, please take a moment and share with me!

10 Signs You're A MOM

1. You’ve made sure that everyone else brushed there teeth before you headed out the door, but you realized a half a mile down the road that you forgot to brush yours.
2. Your car stereo now plays Kid Bop on a regular basis.

3. You threatened to remove all xboxes, play stations, and Nintendo DS’ from the house and give them all to charity at least five times last week. 

4. Your Calgon-Take-Me-Away-Bath was interrupted 700 times with “Mom, are you done yet.” 

5. Going Pee by yourself is a luxury comparable with the European vacation you’ve been dreaming of. 

6. Your purse contains an unlimited supply of bandaids, kleenex, and snacks. 

7. You are capable of simultaneously cooking dinner, changing a diaper, mopping the floor, and checking facebook. 

8. You’ve made sure that the kids have a wonderful home-cooked meal and you then eat a bowl of cereal for dinner when no one is looking. 

9. You are the only one in your house who knows where to find a cereal bowl and spoon, even though they’ve been in the same place for years. 

10. You look forward to the precious 10 minutes a day before bed when you get to pretend that your not a superhero.

F*** You Days, A Universal Pastime

I don't really look like this

Why is it that some days you wake up and the world looks bright, chipper even? Everything seems to be going your way. The sun is shining, your hair looks amazing, you have plenty of gas in the car, and your bank account is in the black.

Then there are the less than stellar days. The shining sun woke you up with a glaring migraine, your perfect hair is sporting an Alfalfa cowlick, your tank is on E, and your account is overdrawn.

Why do the good and the bad seem to come in giant waves together? I find that when I’m at my brokest, that is the moment that I get a flat tire. And, that flat tire will usually occur on a Sunday when Les Schwab is closed. Yay, life just sent me a little message.

The message is very clearly a big old “F*** you.” Why does the universe conspire against us in such stressful ways? That is the age old Tootsie-Pop question, and the answer is always the same my dear, “The world will never know.”

A few months ago, my cat drank rubbing alcohol out of the tiny cup I was disinfecting my nose-ring in. I had no idea that this was even possible. This, of course occurred at 1am on a Saturday/Sunday-vet-office-totally-closed-time. While he was vomiting and drunkenly trying to walk around and falling down, I was obsessively googling finding horror after horror. Things like, “If he lives through the night he should be okay,” and “Brain damage may occur.” Brain damage seemed almost worse than death for my already mentally challenged kitty!!! This is the cat that runs for the car because he’s so excited to see you and, as you’re screaming for him to move, decides that the tire of the moving car would be a lovely place to sharpen his claws......OOH....DUMB-CAT/FLAT-TIRE, COULD THERE BE A CONNECTION???

Anyway, thankfully kitty woke up the next morning seeming no more stupid and thankfully alive, so all was good, but I was a wreck! No one wants to kill their cat while cleaning jewelry.

Suffice it to say bad stuff happens, your day could be awesome on the same day your neighbor's house burns to the ground. The universe is tricky that way. So please enjoy all the great moments and remember that no matter what everything always works out in the end and Les Schwab will be open on Monday. :)

Kitty really does look like this

:) Have a nice Day!