The F*%#ability Factor and Me

Last week I decided to take my dating prowess to the next level after internet dating and feeling super weird about it. Even though I did meet quite a few nice guys, I just didn't feel like it was for me. With half-interested disdain, I finally picked up my copy of Become Your Own Matchmaker by Patti Stanger and decided to just dive right in.

Step one was Dating Detox. In this stage I was supposed to forget all about men and work on me. Purify my body, hit the gym, watch TV, etc....Well, that's all grand and wonderful, but what if I have already been in a self-sustained dating detox for about a year now, what do I do? According to Patti I do it anyway for a minimum of thirty days. Okay, done. Wow, step one was super easy!

Step two was going to be a little more work. In this stage Mirror, Mirror, I needed to take a good hard look at my dateable self. Well, oh shit, this is not going to be a good step for me. Let's see, Patti hates red hair and guess what? I just became a redhead ala Nutrise Garnet. Oh, and my hair is short! I was doomed from the start.

I am also quite a bit larger than a size eight, the size the book insinuates is the size where a woman begins to lose herself. The beginning of fat! Oh really?

I also had to determine my "fuckability factor." This would be my entire self, at least on the outside: hair, make-up, sexy body, teeth, skin, and clothes. I  live in Oregon. Half of the male population looks homeless. I really don't think they are wondering wether I bought my sweater at the Gap or Prada. Hell, they probably think my Old Navy tee came from the thrift-store...and there's a chance that it did!

In this step you might concider having some work done. Work, as in plastic surgery or botox, etc.. Ummm, no. I like my face just fine, thank you.

I also needed to decide just what kind of girl I am. Well, I kinda feel like I'm all of them. I'm kinda intelligent, kinda cute, kinda girl next door, kinda sexpot. What to choose, what to choose???

On to Step three, Make Your Matchmaking Map. This is all about location. This is all about the lie. If you are anti-sports, other than peewee soccer like me, you should hang at the local sports bar anyway. I can see me now, Sudoku puzzle in hand, guzzling red wine while the Superbowl (that's baseball, right?) rages on! That is so NOT my scene.

She does give a very detailed list of places to meet men and a good detailed list of places to not to meet men.

I personally enjoy hanging out at my local coffee shop. Brian makes a mean Chai latte and it's a nice place to while away hours while blogging. However, according to Patti this is most definitely the absolute most horrific place to meet men. I have to quote this part because I got such a kick out of it.

Where NOT to meet men, "Starbucks, or the local coffeehouse: If a guy is hanging out there, especially with his computer, he probably doesn't have an office to work in, or, worse yet, he's unemployed or poor. In any case, he ain't husband material."

I guess husbands are supposed to be rich, have an office, or use the coffee drive-thru? Damn! I thought husbands were supposed to be kind, love you, take care of you when you have the flu, and share a life with you. I guess I was wrong again.

In this step, I was encouraged to make bio-cards: index sized cards with my photo and stats to hand out to eligible men I might meet. Ummmm, hmmmm, awkward much? When I spy the cute guy in the grocery store, I simply whip out my 3x5 card and hand it to him. That wouldn't be weird at all. Oh, and the photo should be professionally taken, and according to Patti, inexpensive. Somewhere in the ballpark of $350 to $500 dollars. I guess I can't use an old glamour shots from high school. Damn! I am foiled again. There is no fucking way on God's green earth I am going to be handing out bio-cards. They remind me of Vegas, and the lovely prostitution fun cards they hand out in the streets....NO THANK YOU!

For a good time, call Sarah. Yeah...right.

Step  four, Qualifying The Buyer. This is where you go husband shopping. I personally love the husband racks at Macy's, especially when they make it to the 70% off rack. This is where she sums up the loser type guys and the winner type guys. Men should be masculine; women should be feminine. Bullshit, bullshit. I know lots of happily married couple made up of dominant wives and not so dominant husbands. And vise versa. Can't you just be attracted to what you're attracted too?

In this step I needed to lay out my non-negotiables, the things my future partner must must have. Here is what I said..

1. Clean
2. Job
3. Like kids
4. Ambition
5. Polite
6. Read
7. Funny
8. Compassionate
9. Know the value of a dollar
10. Brush their teeth

The top five are supposed to be my absolute non-negotiables, I can bend a little for six through ten I guess. Well, brushing of the teeth isn't for everyone!

Step five (we're almost done), Adventures In Dating, is the crazy part. The part I dread. Actual dating sucks. It is odd, forced, mean, scary, and fake. I'll pretend to be awesome and you pretend to be awesome until (if you even get passed date one or two) the bullshit dies down, and we finally begin to be ourselves.

There is a thorough list of dating do's and don'ts. I was happy to find that I don't do many of the don'ts, and I do do (haha) many of the do's. Yay! I've finally scored a point!

The First Days Of Infatuation, step six is rad! I say live it up. In my experience (not so much) a man only pretends that he likes to do the dishes and rub feet for so long. Live it up! But, of course Patti warns to keep the eyes and ears unblurry! Look for warning signs. I swear Patti, I will, I will!

Step seven, Relationship Reality Check. In this step you should have reached official coupledom, you are a we. Can you live with him leaving his underwear on the floor? Does he watch TV too loud? Can you deal? You must analyze your relationship, pick him apart and see if you still like him. I actually agree here. For Christ's sake, no one should ever marry someone they hate. In this stage, I assume you can run before it's too fucking late.

Last step, whew. Step eight, Negotiating The Ring. Oh my God! What if you don't want a ring yourself? If he doesn't propose within the first year, you are supposed to negotiate the damn ring or move on. Really???? A year seems like a short-ass time to me. How about feeling internally ready? Spiritually connected? Something? Sorry, buddy, one year, I love you, but no ring bye bye???? Weird!

Well there you have it, my pessimistic take on the Millionaire Matchmaker. Hey, I love that show. It's fun. But that is just not me. I will never be the girl searching for love in a sports bar or handing out my porn/bio-card. I will be the girl who loves herself. The girl who knows she's a great catch. The girl who has her own dreams and ambitions, but I wont ever pretend to be anything but me.

The Birthday Girl, Authoress Shannon Celebi

Author of Small Town Ghosts age 4

It is not everyday that one turns (3x12)+1. Today, my beautiful-shiny-sister-Shannon turns a whopping 13,515 days old.

So far, in her illustrious life, she has done some amazing things. At the gentle age of one she said her very first word umbrella, and since then she has learned many more words and even mastered the English language. I am sure that by now you must all be astounded!

Reigning supreme in the land of Shannon’s life story is the famous tale of PUNKY PIE. When she was four Shannon ate quite a few pieces of pumkin pie. Later, in a state of over-eating-awfulness Celebi said the now famous phrase, “me no like punky pie.” Her profoundness, even at an early age, was quite notable.

When Shannon was seven she drove a speed boat at such a tremendous velocity that the boat almost capsized. Luckily, everyone on board was returned to shore safe and sound, however Shannon has never been able to live the horrific incident down.

Shannon began her stellar writing career at the age of birth, perhaps even before birth she might have been dictating graphic scenes of horrific peril from the womb. At age five she was able to put pen to paper for the first time and the world has never been the same.

Happy-happy-happy-happy birthday Shannon Celebi, marvelous mother, stupendous sister, wonderful wife, all around great gal, and awesome authoress. May your day be gluten free and perfect in every way! I love you.




Below is a sample of one of Celebi’s earlier work. It was published in The Poetry Expess in 1984. The poem is a tale of woe, sacrifice, strife, and eventually love. Enjoy.......

The Busy Beetle 

The busy beetle exercised 

To see him there 

I was surprised 

He did jumping jacks 

And leg lifts too 

He worked so hard 

His face turned blue 

He tried and tried 

To do something new 

He wanted to lose weight 

To impress Lulu 

Lulu was the cutest bug 

You ever did see 

She had blonde hair 

And the cutest beetle knees

Out-going authoress center, with her two besties Krissy and Mandy

The Top Ten Reasons To Join A Book Club Even If You Hate To Read

Okay so maybe you’re not a big reader like I am. Perhaps, to you, reading is paging through a People magazine at the dentists office while you try to distract yourself from that upcoming root canal. It’s okay, not everyone loves to read, however everybody needs a little break from the mundane and if you happen to find the niche, the perfect book club won’t really be about reading at all.

1. You get to hang with a diverse group of people. Make friends or enemies with someone you wouldn’t normally run in the same circles with. Branch out socially, it’s fun!
2. Wine. Who doesn’t enjoy a good glass of vino? Book clubs tend, in my experience at least, to come with lots of it. So kick your feet up and get ready to poor yourself some chilled Chardonnay.
3. Feel smart! Or just act like you’re a brainiac, no one will know and if you think you sound stupid you can always blame it on the wine.
4. It’s a great excuse to buy new shoes. I mean who wants their book club to see them in the same wedges week after week and if you’re broke there is always Old Navy and their $1 flip flops.
5. It’s a good excuse not to cook. There is usually an assortment of tasty goodies or maybe your club is lucky enough to meet at a fancy pub. Walla, dinner is served and you don’t even have to do the dishes. (Unless it’s your night to host, but we’re dwelling on the positives here.)
6. Don’t judge a book club by it’s cover. Not all book clubs are about stuffy literary fiction. Find the right fit for you and if you really don’t like to read find a book club that doesn’t really read the book. There are tons of em out there just waiting for you.
7. It sounds great just to say you’re in a book club. You’ve gained ten IQ points just from uttering the sentence. Doesn’t that make you feel smart?
8. Book clubs are cheaper than eharmony! Enough said.
9. Give your couch the night off. Doesn’t your sofa deserve a break from your reality TV addiction? Those cushions will thank you!
10. Set a good example. Wether you want to impress your kids, your boss, or the family dog. Show them that you care about your brain. They do not need to know that book club is really about wine, food, or an excuse to buy shoes. It can be your little secret.

And, perhaps after all of the hoopla you’ll learn to love reading as much as I do. Happy book clubbing!